Pressed but not crushed...

So I have that song in my head today - you know the one - "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my pain, I'm laying them down for the Joy of the Lord..." and for the life of me I can't remember whose it is! But that's OK, I can live with not knowing/remembering everything - maybe that's a sign of my impending old age! So I'm having a little difficulty coming up with a literary character to dress up as for next Friday night... It's a little difficult/uncomfortable/restrictive to do the whole Elisabeth Bennett thing, I'm not really keen on the idea of dressing as Aslan for the night either... not doubt I'll come up with something! So the theme seemed like a good idea at the time...

But that's not why I've felt pressed, if indeed pressed is an accurate description. I survived my second counselling appointment this week! YAY! It continues to be a really worthwhile and thought provoking experience and I'm not nearly as anxious about the whole deal as I was previously. We spent a whole lot of time this week talking about the amount of times I managed to use the word 'should' when describing where I feel my life is and were I would like it to be. Tom pointed out that 'should' is a very negative and restrictive term and wont result in growth or freedom, only condemnation and feelings of failure. It was quite challenging as I realise just how unaccepting of myself I can be and therefore I can be quite unaccepting of other also! So I'm doing my best to surrender it all to God and trust that He has me where He wants me for now and He's doing what He needs to do...

So I finished Facing Your Giants this week - SUCH a good book... I highly recommend it as an insightful and practical study of the life of David. I saw things I'd never seen before... Really good! Now I'm reading a book called Love is a Choice and also Inside my Heart by Robin McGraw (yes, Dr Phil's wife - I can almost hear the comments from here Jon!) haven't gotten too far into either if them yet so we'll see how it goes...

Anyone reading anything good these days? Or even anything bad?

I'm off now, I'll try and post again this week but don't know if I'll get the opportunity...

Oh yeah! I did that spiritual test today and my highest were Mercy and Pastor/Shepherd... Yet to read the detailed description of what that means...

Twice in one week...

What's with that!?! Thanks for letting me know that you still check up on me guys. If only the two of you read then I'm satisfied. The truth is, communicating to people what's happening in my world is only really part of the reason I blog. The other part is it actually gives me an opportunity to crystallise my thoughts and get stuff said, regardless of whether or not I'm talking to myself.

So I have to say that this has been a good week! Hard, but I really feel I've taken some necessary steps and been reminded of some important stuff to help along the way. I know I talked about it last time, but I have to say the counselling was a really great experience this week. Even if the session itself turned out to be a waste of time (which it wasn't - time and money VERY well spent in fact) just the process of killing my pride enough to get to the point of going to counselling brought an element of healing. I had forgotten the freedom there is in the knowledge that I can't do this life on my own and saying without God I'm nothing. Jon sent me a DVD of a message by PS Robert Fergusson and he was talking about going from a place of fruitful Independence where life is great and can do it ourselves, to a place of barren dependence when God takes us out to the wilderness/desert where we have to rely on Him, to a place of fruitful dependence where life is flourishing because we depend on Him. I think this year I've in reality been in a place of barren dependence whilst trying to be in a place of fruitful Independence. I think I'm gradually coming to the place of living in dependence and actually coming through to a place of fruitful dependence... Confused yet? I'll lend you the message and it will all become clear!!!

So along with that, I've been reading some great books. I've read Sex God by Rob Bell a few times now and keep going back to it. I found it so revelational and inspiring and he just makes me look at things in such a new way. Each time I read it, I see new things. the other book I'm reading right now it Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado. It is a really good reminder of the importance of focusing on God in the midst of life's circumstances. One line that comes to mind - a bit cheesy but none the less effective - 'Focus on giants, you stumble. Focus on God, giants tumble.'

It seems God has me on a bit of a theme at the moment, looking at what intimacy really is - what it looks like with God, with my family and with all my other relationships. The Search for Intimacy course we're doing at Church has given me much food for thought. This last session on was entitled 'Deadly Dating' and outlined some key reasons why dating as society does it can be harmful and lead to people getting hurt. I definitely get the impression that Allan Meyer, the writer and presenter of the course (and my pastor) is not a fan of the whole dating concept and instead advocates courtship. My problem is, I don't really know what courtship looks like! Anyone have any ideas on how courtship differs from dating? I'd really love to hear what you have to say...

So I think I'll leave it there for this time, or I'll run out of things to talk about!

It's been a long time coming...

So I wonder if anyone even bothers to check this blog anymore since it has taken me an inordinately long time to write anything! well the reasons for my absence have been long and varied, ranging for having nothing interesting to say,having no land line connected at home, and most recently, completely forgetting my password! But in a moment of brilliance I tried a long forgotten combination and here we are!

Now if only i had something interesting to say...

I guess i could talk about the fact that I'm getting old and have a scary number coming up and the feeling of 'what have i done with my life?' that will no doubt rear it's ugly head... or I could talk about the scary prospect of once again stepping out into the world of employment outside of the protective safety of my family... or I could talk about the difficulties in facing truths about myself that I wish were other than they currently are...

But I'm sure that could be potentially depressing for everyone concerned. I'll just talk about today... Today I went to a counsellor. It was my first appointment and a scary prospect but a necessary step to take if i want to make some real progress. It was really hard to get to a point of admitting that I don't in fact have all of the answers and could do with some help along the way... It's remarkable how in just a few short minutes this relative stranger was talking to me about the deepest, personal things in my life. It's amazing just how helpful it is having someone impartial listen to you and reflect things back to you perhaps in ways you hadn't seen them before...

And tonight I'm off to church to carrying on with week 5? of our 'Search for Intimacy' course... I had no idea when I started going just how helpful and revealing this course would be. It's made me think about so many things and given me insight and clarity on so many aspects. It's quite timely i think given recent events with Jon. I'm learning so much about myself and how I relate and how men and women tick and what things can influence a relationship. I hope I can take away from this some really good life lessons... well that's enough rambling for me for now... Hopefully it won't be another 6 months before i remember my password again!